control

Aaagh - the "C" word, "control"...how that is such a crucial word when it comes to our happiness. I battle w/that word & know that I'm certaintly not the only one. The thing is, w/understanding how life works etc., you become more aware that there are two types of things in life - the things you can't control & the things you can. The things that you can all have to do w/yourself - the things you can't are all outside yourself. When you spend all your time, energy & focus on the things outside you are left feeling tired, confused, empty, lonely & unhappy...all the opposites of the feelings that you feel when you are focused & put your energy into yourself & the things you can control. Why do people suffer from depression, do self-destructive things & lead unhappy, unfulfilling or pointless lives?? Because they are focused on the things that they have no control over...hmmm, what a great idea & concept, yet so hard to implement b/c we have been conditioned otherwise...yikes!!!! lol

snow day

Today i woke up at 4 something am to the phone ringing. It was my son's school calling to say there wouldn't be any school. I looked out the window to no snow, but majically a few hours later it appeared. My son comes in yipping and yapping telling me to look, look! I told him there was no school and he could go back to bed, how funny was that, lol. I knew they had called for maybe an inch or so, so I wasn't really that thrilled...nor am any longer in that eight-year-old body that fills with absolute excitement from the fall of a snowflake. I would however like a nice four or five inch snow...but even that I wouldn't interrupt my sleep with. After the nice inch dusting, there came sleet, then there came rain, lots of it. Mush, how sad. He and his friends were still out there of course trying their best to gather if nothing else at least one mushy snowball to throw somewhere. Where we live now, good snows (the one's that you need bread and milk with) don't come around very often. We've been here almost three years and this is the first "snow". Where we moved from was closer to the mountains and you could possibly get a really good snow ever year or so...sometimes the icestorms were really dreadful. But seeing the excitement (which almost surpassed any Christmas morning I could remember) that the snow enveloped my son in, reminded me of when it did me as well. Oh yeh...those childhood snows still stand out in my mind like yesterday. My mom and I lived in apartments on a huge mountain of a hill and I can remember plenty of good snows. You would anxiously await the weather forecasts, just seeing if you could spot even a potential snow. Then you would continuously look out the window the night before to see if "it had done anything". Then some mornings you would wake up with a pain of disappointment...others you would hear your mom listening to the radio or television to make sure school was canceled. I would wait as long as I could before begging and pleading to go outside...telephoning all the friends to schedule our great escape. We would layer up well & I can even remember putting plastic bags around our shoes. There would always be the kids that would have the sleds and have the "snow" advantage. We would run, play and lose ourselves for hours at at time...until our red faces, wet clothes and frozen hands would catch up to us and we would have to find a warm place to rest until we had rebuilt our energy and warmed our clothes. I remember the best aspect of snow days at the apartments were the laundry mat. It was heated & we could go there to warm ourselves and our clothes. I remember one winter when we happened upon a free dryer. The change holder had somehow been detached and sometimes you were lucky enough to not only find quarters to start the dryer, but more for your piggy bank...agggh, great snow days. So as I'm dreaming of my long lost snow days, I'm suddenly awakened by my husband opening the window & shouting for my son not to do that. For some unknown reason my dearly beloved decided the mailman needed a nice cold pack of snow to come his way. Only 1pm and my son's snow day fun has came to an end with only cleaning his room and reading alternatives. I feel bad, I feel terrible. Probably the one day a year that he will be able to experience the fun of snow...and I remember...I think I was worse. There was this old lady...she was really old, crazy & would talk to herself...never took a bath and we rumored that she made moonshine in her apt. We would sneak up to her door & throw rocks at it...or water balloons. We would ride around her on our bikes while she would come outside to sweep the ants off the sidewalk. I never got in trouble for that...my mom never found out. I would climb on roofs, sneak out and drive cars around the parking lot in the middle of the night. I did some terrible things...my snow days were never ruined. Agh, the sound of the sigh of a mother's heavy heart...on this very mushy snow day.