control

Aaagh - the "C" word, "control"...how that is such a crucial word when it comes to our happiness. I battle w/that word & know that I'm certaintly not the only one. The thing is, w/understanding how life works etc., you become more aware that there are two types of things in life - the things you can't control & the things you can. The things that you can all have to do w/yourself - the things you can't are all outside yourself. When you spend all your time, energy & focus on the things outside you are left feeling tired, confused, empty, lonely & unhappy...all the opposites of the feelings that you feel when you are focused & put your energy into yourself & the things you can control. Why do people suffer from depression, do self-destructive things & lead unhappy, unfulfilling or pointless lives?? Because they are focused on the things that they have no control over...hmmm, what a great idea & concept, yet so hard to implement b/c we have been conditioned otherwise...yikes!!!! lol

snow day

Today i woke up at 4 something am to the phone ringing. It was my son's school calling to say there wouldn't be any school. I looked out the window to no snow, but majically a few hours later it appeared. My son comes in yipping and yapping telling me to look, look! I told him there was no school and he could go back to bed, how funny was that, lol. I knew they had called for maybe an inch or so, so I wasn't really that thrilled...nor am any longer in that eight-year-old body that fills with absolute excitement from the fall of a snowflake. I would however like a nice four or five inch snow...but even that I wouldn't interrupt my sleep with. After the nice inch dusting, there came sleet, then there came rain, lots of it. Mush, how sad. He and his friends were still out there of course trying their best to gather if nothing else at least one mushy snowball to throw somewhere. Where we live now, good snows (the one's that you need bread and milk with) don't come around very often. We've been here almost three years and this is the first "snow". Where we moved from was closer to the mountains and you could possibly get a really good snow ever year or so...sometimes the icestorms were really dreadful. But seeing the excitement (which almost surpassed any Christmas morning I could remember) that the snow enveloped my son in, reminded me of when it did me as well. Oh yeh...those childhood snows still stand out in my mind like yesterday. My mom and I lived in apartments on a huge mountain of a hill and I can remember plenty of good snows. You would anxiously await the weather forecasts, just seeing if you could spot even a potential snow. Then you would continuously look out the window the night before to see if "it had done anything". Then some mornings you would wake up with a pain of disappointment...others you would hear your mom listening to the radio or television to make sure school was canceled. I would wait as long as I could before begging and pleading to go outside...telephoning all the friends to schedule our great escape. We would layer up well & I can even remember putting plastic bags around our shoes. There would always be the kids that would have the sleds and have the "snow" advantage. We would run, play and lose ourselves for hours at at time...until our red faces, wet clothes and frozen hands would catch up to us and we would have to find a warm place to rest until we had rebuilt our energy and warmed our clothes. I remember the best aspect of snow days at the apartments were the laundry mat. It was heated & we could go there to warm ourselves and our clothes. I remember one winter when we happened upon a free dryer. The change holder had somehow been detached and sometimes you were lucky enough to not only find quarters to start the dryer, but more for your piggy bank...agggh, great snow days. So as I'm dreaming of my long lost snow days, I'm suddenly awakened by my husband opening the window & shouting for my son not to do that. For some unknown reason my dearly beloved decided the mailman needed a nice cold pack of snow to come his way. Only 1pm and my son's snow day fun has came to an end with only cleaning his room and reading alternatives. I feel bad, I feel terrible. Probably the one day a year that he will be able to experience the fun of snow...and I remember...I think I was worse. There was this old lady...she was really old, crazy & would talk to herself...never took a bath and we rumored that she made moonshine in her apt. We would sneak up to her door & throw rocks at it...or water balloons. We would ride around her on our bikes while she would come outside to sweep the ants off the sidewalk. I never got in trouble for that...my mom never found out. I would climb on roofs, sneak out and drive cars around the parking lot in the middle of the night. I did some terrible things...my snow days were never ruined. Agh, the sound of the sigh of a mother's heavy heart...on this very mushy snow day.

the person I wanna be...

The person I wanna be is not fearful.
The person I wanna be is not hateful.
The person I wanna be is not envious.
The person I wanna be is not judgmental.
The person I wanna be is not angry.
The person I wanna be is free.
I can only change the world by changing myself.

breathe of fresh air

Well as I took my oldest out to eat this evening at the nearest Chick-Fil-A, I looked around to see something I had never witness or at least noticed before. Of course I saw many women, hands full with possibly two or three kids at her feet, but I also noticed quite a few dads with their own hands full. And guess what? No moms in sight...TG! You can only imagine what they were doing with their down time...working in another form I'm sure...but I have hopes that one was taking a nice bubble bath somewhere. There's no way that men can touch the generations of women that served as mothers and caregivers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...or that automatically took the kids to struggle as a single parent because of a deadbeat dad or divorce. But to see dads participating fully in the hardest job on earth gave me much glee & hope. I have been lucky to have very involved fathers in my children's live...never running from the responsibility...far from perfect, but being much better men and fathers than their own were. It definitely gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow...of course then my cum ba ya moment was ruined when a very demanding little girl basically screams at her mother in line that "one ranch just would not do!!" I would've gladly given her a golden ticket for a visit see Willy Wonka.

unfair

What's the hardest lesson in life? That things are unfair. We continually look for ways over, around or under in order to make life just, but seriously who are we really kidding? Whether it's the Sunday paper being drenched in water or the articles inside it that keep us updated on some of the unbelievable things that go on in our world, there can be too many unfair points in life. I just love the people that request to "speak with someone higher" or that think they are "going to show them" and end up only making themselves look like huge babies in adult bodies or end up on the evening news. I don't understand why they don't just get on the floor & kick & scream their way to justice. Then there are the people that think they will go the adult route & "get their lawyer". They will sue unfairness until it goes away.
We often look at other people's circumstances or situations and envy the ones that seem to "have it all"...do they? Or have they just adjusted their attitudes and perspectives so much that they & you have to believe they do? We look at the people that seem less fortunate & hang our heads low with frowns on our faces feeling sorry for them...all the while we secretly are glad that it's not us....hmmm. We think to ourselves, I couldn't imagine going thru that, or being "him/her". But isn't the truth that we have all been on the short end of the stick in some way shape or form...some victim of the butt of one of life's ironic, cruel jokes? We have all felt the pain from life's unfairness. We have all felt the sadness of reality and only hoped that whatever escape cloud we could get on next would carry us quickly to a destination that would make us forget. So what is the cure for all the injustice in the world? I would say humor...the only shelter that we have from the cruelty of the unfairness of life. After all, nothing is more funny than being beat with the "life isn't fair" stick so many times that you can't see straight...then and only then can you truly go to the place way down under & grab the strength you need for a great laugh.

what really is n-o-r-m-a-l?

You know, it really is funny how we all want normal lives and to be normal people....hahaha, how funny :) I had someone once ask, what is normal anyways...when I happened to say I wanted to be that way. And for a moment, I did have to pause & think...hmmm, what is this word really all about? Well the fact is, I have came to the conclusion, that there truly is no such a thing. There is the scale that we measure ourselves & others by according to what we have been taught or conditioned to think, but "at the end of the day" as I so often love to say, who in this crazy world has the book of normal by their bedside?
Then we have the right/wrong scale. Oh boy, what fun that is. I read somewhere once where someone said you could measure if something was "wrong" by if it hurt another person & of course we've all heard the "as long as I ain't hurtin' nobody" spill. After all this analyzing, I figured I don't believe in right or wrong. I believe in simple truth & untruth. Untruths are the things we tell ourselves or do to make us feel a sense of power. Ultimately they don't have any power, so eventually they fall to the wasteside. Truth is eternal, the only thing that lasts. The only thing that with each sunset & rise will be there...even past the sunset & rise. It is the only thing to believe in, the only thing you can't measure...that is too great for any yardstick or our small minds to comprehend. At this point, too many are simply trying to aspire to or reach for..."normal".

balancing fulfillment with survival

We are all given gifts & talents to share & help others. That is our purpose here...to help others. That is what leads to the most fulfillment etc. in life...but what if you are like me & haven't a clue what your gifts and talents are? Or if you do know them...what if you haven't the slightest clue as to how to use them to help others and make a wonderful living at the same time??!! Talk about feeling like hitting a wall.
I know I have many gifts. I've used them to make money. Graphics was what I went to college for & soon after graduation landed a good start in. It helped to provide for me financially & I enjoyed creating ads...but I wouldn't say it was something I jumped out of bed for. Now I currently provide customer service to people thru a few companies...helping people to take care of tasks that come with daily life. I do nothing that many of them couldn't do themselves with the same click of the button or mouse, so to say it's something I jump out of bed to do would be only a few seconds away from a laugh. But I do it to survive and b/c I can do it from home. Even if it's not totally fullfilling or allowing me to roll in the dough...it allows me to be just a little more flexible for my children & save some childcare expense. Which leads me to my greatest talent concerning helping others...motherhood. Unfortunately that talent and giving doesn't seem to have any payoff in the monetary sense...or at least I haven't found that opportunity yet. If anything it seems to deplete the cash flow. But I would say that it is one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, whether I like it or not, lol.
So thus far I have not been blessed with the gift of living a life of total fulfillment by doing all that I love every second of the day. I have been knocked down to reality enough to realize that I must do some of what I don't love in order to pay the bills. I must still clean & cook even when I don't feel like it...or definitely don't love it! I think I'm accepting the fact that I may not be one of the fortunates that can do what they love for a living...I will simply have to find a balance and make time around what I must do, to throw in the things that I love to do...so I suppose I'm okay with that.